Monday, January 23, 2006

It's not so bad...it's kinda nice.

So I am hooked up and pumping saline. I had my "pump practice" appt today and it went really well. I was soo nervous going in there today, but Leigh walked me through it and it got a lot less scary as the hour went on.

The infusion site was sore for an hour or so, but now I don't really notice it. This Bolus Wizard thing is awesome, and I love how it tells you how much insulin is on board. I don't know how I lived before this thing.

I'm sure things will pop up and I will have many questions so keep the advice coming. More to follow...

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Sleeping In

I am up at 7:15 on a Saturday and not happy about it. I don't even eake up this early on the weekdays. Luna and Nikita, my cats, generaly wake me up to be fed around this time, but after one of my meanie streaks this week Scott and I now trade off. Kinda happy about that one.

Today Scott was going to feed them, but without an alarm my eyes pop open at 7:00 and I feel fully rested and ready to take on the day. I would give my left toes to feel this way during the week! Instead I beg my alarm for five more minutes and feel like the walking dead.

So as I mentioned yesterday I love dumplings. If you don't eat them you should start. Scott and I went to this awesome hole in the wall resturant in the East Village last night called OG which has Pan Asian cuisine. (For those new yorkers reading it is on 6th between A and B. They have the best dumplings in town and my favorite server, Jay. What could be better. I also had seared Ahi Tuna. Wonderful

The only problem is that I can't figure out how much insulin to take for them. I am figuring about 18 per dumpling and they are steamed - not fried, but then I wake up at 281. So if any of my friends in the OC would like to enlighten me I am all ears. Another thing I need help with is uploading pictures to this blog...how does that work?

Well its off to a big day of saturday chores. I am going to try and con Scott into shopping for house stuff because I am in a HGTV mood today and I think I want a new duvet cover. He's not gonna like that. :)

Friday, January 20, 2006

Scotty Ryan

I have been so mean to him this week. Scotty I mean. I am so stressed at work, and so nervous about my pump appt on Monday, and I am taking it out on him. That is not nice and I am trying to stop, but it is not working so well.

I have been so annoyed this week by everything around me and I hate feeling that way. It has however inspired me to write a coffee table book about things that annoy me about NYC.

1. Bikes on Subways.
2. Tourists who stop in the middle of the street and stare at buildings
3. People who don't walk to the right
4. There are no good places to stop and test my blood sugar on the street
5. When people squeeze a seat on the subway at rush hour
6. That I can't figure out the carbs in great NY foods like dumplings and falafel

I have to stop because this isn't constructive.

I have been stressed and that means low after low after low. I was in tears at the grocery store the other night, tested and was at 54! Lows F-ing SUCK.

I wish I had more time to write here but I just can't find the energy at the end of the day. I hope that everyone is doing well so far this year.

This is my last pump free weekend. wow. I know I will be happy but I feel like I am about to be pushed out of a plane. BUT...every one I know who ever went sky diving had an awesome time!

Monday, January 09, 2006

A Resolution & the countdown begins...

In 3 weeks I will start pumping. I want to send a huge thank you to everyone for such encouraging words and great advice. I am still scared and nervous but it is getting better. I know I could not do this with out the O.C. It would just be a mountain that I could not face. I am so thankful for all of you.

I am still having mini panic attacks about the pump but I woke up on Saturday morning to feed my cats and take my Lantus and thought "I can wait to be on the pump so I can sleep in," so I guess that's a good sign. I have begun to read the owners manual but it makes my heart race so I do it a little at a time.

Like everyone else in America I have read "a million little pieces" and it has made me stop and think about many things. If you haven't read this book buy it asap. It is about a man's 6 weeks in a rehab center and it is not a pretty tale so you have been warned. Addiction is a topic that permeates our society and that touches everyone's life. Everyone on some level is addicted to something whether you care to admit it or not. Of course, not all of our addictions will land us in a rehab center but James comes to learn some very important lessons that I am trying to learn through him.

Taking responsibility for your actions, words, or thoughts is not something that is valued in our current culture. "The Blame Game" is something everyone plays in one way or another, and is destructive and divisive and is something you learn at a very young age. Who knows, maybe blaming others is inherent. At any rate one of my resolutions is to actively take responsibility for my life. To own up to it all.

I am making this decision to go on the pump, because I am choosing no complications. I am lucky enough to get this disease when the technology is the best it has ever been, it getting even better, and tons of money is going to find a cure. Complications will not happen to me because I choose to test my blood sugar 6-8 times a day, and pay attention to what goes into my mouth, and not let myself go.
I choose not to be lazy, which I find is way to easy to become.
I am going to be there with Scott as we grow up and hopefully grow old together and I am going to be healthy. I am a type 1 diabetic who is going to have beautiful children and I will set a healthy example for them from day one.

I have spent my entire life in fear that my father will die of a heart attack at any moment because he has been 50 to a current 100+ pounds over weight. I have begged him from the 1980's until and hour ago to do something about his weight so he will be around to see me grow up and walk me and my sister down the aisle and play with his grandchildren. He always says he will and he is always lying. I will not burden my family like that. I will not have a husband and children begging me to choose to live.

I choose not to be apathetic this year. It will start with my diabetes but I know it will spill over into other parts of my life. I have never been one to blame everyone else for my problems and am very pro-active in all that I do, so this is more of an attitude adjustment in my own head than something that will be seen by others. Diabetes is an easy disease to hide, and say "yeah my numbers are great" which I did for a long time, but I don't have the energy anymore. I want to know I am telling the truth.

This group of inspiring people that is the O.C. is a big part of this too. We keep each other accountable, encouraged, and lifted. We are there to complain to and rant at and to give words of comfort and advice. I used to let this disease own me, but I am starting to own it, and I can't explain how happy I am about that.

I have a feeling that 2006 is going to be a great year and I am looking forward to it.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

The terrifying box in my living room

I ordered a pump. Its the MiniMed 715. The color is "clear" (PS it's not so clear). It came to my office yesterday afternoon and then spent the remainder of the day chillin under my desk, and I was going to rip that box open like I did all of my other presents just a week earlier, as soon as I got home.

But when I got home a put the box on the floor and Scott and I just looked at it. It looks innocent enough, but I had the overwhelming urge to clean (which usual spells bad news because it is not like "I need to pick this place up" cleaning, but more like OCD, "I need to re-fold all my sweaters and put them in order of color" cleaning) Instead, I proceed to make a delicious and healthy dinner with the recommendations of my new nutritionist, and it was awesome. Cooking can be fun. PS I think snow peas are my new favorite veggie.

So then I watch some TV...and stare at the box.

I poke at my cats while they are sleeping...and stare at the box.

I think what the hell and I open it with some excitement in my voice, and it is just full of things that make my head spin. I am digging through box upon box of foreign objects. Reservoir. Infusion Sets. Cords. Books. A new meter which looks huge and I like the meter I have. I'm thinking "where is the pump already" and then there it is.

I take it out, hold it in my hands, say "humph", then put it right back in it's plastic bed and put it away. I repacked the box exactly as it came, closed it up and went back to watching the ever numbing TV. It wasn't until the middle of Scrubs when I was safely nuzzled in Scott's arms did the tears start rolling down my cheeks. My heart was pounding so hard my shirt is pulsing above it.

My thoughts are swirling in my head so fast I can't even explain to Scott while I am so overwhelmed over something I have be waiting for.

I DON'T THINK I CAN DO THIS! In the outfit I am wearing today...where would I put it? What about in a slinky "going out" outfit? PJ's? What to you do when you sleep? What if I made the wrong decision and wasted tons of my parents money? This thing seems so much bigger than it did at the endo's office! I can not make the mental leap as to how it will feel to be tethered to something 24/7 for the rest of my life! I know people say you just detach it for a while, but what about the bump left on your skin from the infusion set? It's not like it's that tiny.

Scott had a good point. This is the 1st solid irrefutable piece of evidence that I have diabetes, and it is NOT going away. I can't honestly say I have grasped that yet.

I thought I had but then this small cardboard box came into my life and I can't get my heart to stop pounding. Don't get me wrong, I still am excited and I know I can deal with it but I was shock and how freaked out I got. I am the best freaker-outer I know, but this even caught me off guard.

M.I.A.

I know I have been gone forever and I am sorry. I was so busy before the holidays and then sick on my parents couch the entire time I was in San Diego. I haven't even read what has been going on! I am a horrible blog friend right now.

So let's start fresh. HAPPY NEW YEAR!! I wish everyone the best of luck in the new year with health, DB, family, life, money, career and all the rest that life will throw at you.

So much has happened in the past month and I can't wait to sit down with a big cup of tea and read about what everyone has been up to and to write about my next big adventure...the pump which is currently in a box in my living room. I am beyond scared of this thing. More to come...I have to go back to work.