In 3 weeks I will start pumping. I want to send a huge thank you to everyone for such encouraging words and great advice. I am still scared and nervous but it is getting better. I know I could not do this with out the O.C. It would just be a mountain that I could not face. I am so thankful for all of you.
I am still having mini panic attacks about the pump but I woke up on Saturday morning to feed my cats and take my Lantus and thought "I can wait to be on the pump so I can sleep in," so I guess that's a good sign. I have begun to read the owners manual but it makes my heart race so I do it a little at a time.
Like everyone else in America I have read "a million little pieces" and it has made me stop and think about many things. If you haven't read this book buy it asap. It is about a man's 6 weeks in a rehab center and it is not a pretty tale so you have been warned. Addiction is a topic that permeates our society and that touches everyone's life. Everyone on some level is addicted to something whether you care to admit it or not. Of course, not all of our addictions will land us in a rehab center but James comes to learn some very important lessons that I am trying to learn through him.
Taking responsibility for your actions, words, or thoughts is not something that is valued in our current culture. "The Blame Game" is something everyone plays in one way or another, and is destructive and divisive and is something you learn at a very young age. Who knows, maybe blaming others is inherent. At any rate one of my resolutions is to actively take responsibility for my life. To own up to it all.
I am making this decision to go on the pump, because I am choosing no complications. I am lucky enough to get this disease when the technology is the best it has ever been, it getting even better, and tons of money is going to find a cure. Complications will not happen to me because I choose to test my blood sugar 6-8 times a day, and pay attention to what goes into my mouth, and not let myself go.
I choose not to be lazy, which I find is way to easy to become.
I am going to be there with Scott as we grow up and hopefully grow old together and I am going to be healthy. I am a type 1 diabetic who is going to have beautiful children and I will set a healthy example for them from day one.
I have spent my entire life in fear that my father will die of a heart attack at any moment because he has been 50 to a current 100+ pounds over weight. I have begged him from the 1980's until and hour ago to do something about his weight so he will be around to see me grow up and walk me and my sister down the aisle and play with his grandchildren. He always says he will and he is always lying. I will not burden my family like that. I will not have a husband and children begging me to choose to live.
I choose not to be apathetic this year. It will start with my diabetes but I know it will spill over into other parts of my life. I have never been one to blame everyone else for my problems and am very pro-active in all that I do, so this is more of an attitude adjustment in my own head than something that will be seen by others. Diabetes is an easy disease to hide, and say "yeah my numbers are great" which I did for a long time, but I don't have the energy anymore. I want to know I am telling the truth.
This group of inspiring people that is the O.C. is a big part of this too. We keep each other accountable, encouraged, and lifted. We are there to complain to and rant at and to give words of comfort and advice. I used to let this disease own me, but I am starting to own it, and I can't explain how happy I am about that.
I have a feeling that 2006 is going to be a great year and I am looking forward to it.