The terrifying box in my living room
But when I got home a put the box on the floor and Scott and I just looked at it. It looks innocent enough, but I had the overwhelming urge to clean (which usual spells bad news because it is not like "I need to pick this place up" cleaning, but more like OCD, "I need to re-fold all my sweaters and put them in order of color" cleaning) Instead, I proceed to make a delicious and healthy dinner with the recommendations of my new nutritionist, and it was awesome. Cooking can be fun. PS I think snow peas are my new favorite veggie.
So then I watch some TV...and stare at the box.
I poke at my cats while they are sleeping...and stare at the box.
I think what the hell and I open it with some excitement in my voice, and it is just full of things that make my head spin. I am digging through box upon box of foreign objects. Reservoir. Infusion Sets. Cords. Books. A new meter which looks huge and I like the meter I have. I'm thinking "where is the pump already" and then there it is.
I take it out, hold it in my hands, say "humph", then put it right back in it's plastic bed and put it away. I repacked the box exactly as it came, closed it up and went back to watching the ever numbing TV. It wasn't until the middle of Scrubs when I was safely nuzzled in Scott's arms did the tears start rolling down my cheeks. My heart was pounding so hard my shirt is pulsing above it.
My thoughts are swirling in my head so fast I can't even explain to Scott while I am so overwhelmed over something I have be waiting for.
I DON'T THINK I CAN DO THIS! In the outfit I am wearing today...where would I put it? What about in a slinky "going out" outfit? PJ's? What to you do when you sleep? What if I made the wrong decision and wasted tons of my parents money? This thing seems so much bigger than it did at the endo's office! I can not make the mental leap as to how it will feel to be tethered to something 24/7 for the rest of my life! I know people say you just detach it for a while, but what about the bump left on your skin from the infusion set? It's not like it's that tiny.
Scott had a good point. This is the 1st solid irrefutable piece of evidence that I have diabetes, and it is NOT going away. I can't honestly say I have grasped that yet.
I thought I had but then this small cardboard box came into my life and I can't get my heart to stop pounding. Don't get me wrong, I still am excited and I know I can deal with it but I was shock and how freaked out I got. I am the best freaker-outer I know, but this even caught me off guard.